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- Wraithe12 - initiate
Into The Badlands: by: a 12 F00Tmidget
Warning, this review may sound insulting or mean. Thats what we do.
So this chapter was serious, compared to the others.
first, "John Baker woke up to a rather strange noise" This part is added into the story but never brought back up.
He investigates where the sound is coming from but after that the sound is completely left out.
Next, "Am i still asleep? Or is this becoming hell on earth like i think it is..."
that was a big jump. what? he unshockingly stated that he thinks earth is becoming hell. one death? no shock?
yea thats normal.
so they are just friends and someone says that he likes her, she admits feelings and knows how to take his "mind off things?" and im hoping this at least has something to do with the story because.... sounds like really REALLY naughty filler.
ok so after that some weird things happen with some guy and then he gets to class and this sentence pops out.
"must be the minor ammount of radiation that leaked into the water, they cleaned it out though,"
where did that come from? 2 girls beat him to class because radiation leaked into the water and was cleaned out?
well, starts out with another lemon... 3 sentences and 1 hour long.
jessica was waiting outside the broom closet, watching.
wow 4 sentences and there at it again.
how was your day?
i don't know, even though i was right next to you all day.
Well with this, you went to crazy with the OC (own characters) and went too fast. got completely away from the story line (if there even is one) and just started typing whatever came to mind.
all 5 main characters just were wiped off of the face of the planet by this chapter, and this chapter didn't seem to have a point. I honestly don't think this chapter should be with the rest of the story.
With a lot more effort you could turn your beginning ideas into a great story, im just pointing out the mistakes.
not a bad first story. but could be a lot better.
"you're remembered for the rules you break, not the rules you followed."
Gooiershoe20354 21:25, March 6, 2012 (UTC)GooierShoe20354