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  • Wraithe12 - initiate


Into The Badlands: by: a 12 F00Tmidget

Warning, this review may sound insulting or mean. Thats what we do.

Chapter 1:

So this chapter was serious, compared to the others.

first, "John Baker woke up to a rather strange noise" This part is added into the story but never brought back up.

He investigates where the sound is coming from but after that the sound is completely left out.

Next, "Am i still asleep? Or is this becoming hell on earth like i think it is..."

that was a big jump. what? he unshockingly stated that he thinks earth is becoming hell. one death? no shock?

"John walked back into his room to see Jessica and Rebecca, one of his friends that he's always loved, but never got the chance to show her his feelings, sitting on his bed talking. They both stopped at the same time when he walked in, and Jessica got up and walked across the room to her bed and went back to sleep.

"I heard what happend. I know this is hard for you John, so i came. I know you like me, I feel the same way about you, but I'm here to help you feel a little better," Rebecca said as she pushed her long, black hair out of her face.

"How?" John asked.

"John, I've known you for years. I think i know how to help take your mind off things..." Rebecca said as she stood up and un-dressed.

John moved over to her, and kissed her on the cheek. He then undressed as well and wrapped his arms around her, feeling her soft, smooth skin. Rebecca hugged him as he kissed her again. John could tell she was enjoying herself with this. She pulled John down onto the bed, and got ontop of him, bouncing.

After 2 and 1/2 hours of their "activities" together, they both cuddled up under the sheets, and got some rest."


yea thats normal.

so they are just friends and someone says that he likes her, she admits feelings and knows how to take his "mind off things?" and im hoping this at least has something to do with the story because.... sounds like really REALLY naughty filler.

ok so after that some weird things happen with some guy and then he gets to class and this sentence pops out.

"must be the minor ammount of radiation that leaked into the water, they cleaned it out though,"

where did that come from? 2 girls beat him to class because radiation leaked into the water and was cleaned out?

Chapter 2:

well, starts out with another lemon... 3 sentences and 1 hour long.

jessica was waiting outside the broom closet, watching.

So, how was your day, beautiful?" John said, trying to smooth talk his girlfriend (even though all he had to do was take off his clothes to get her to melt inside).

"Just fine," Rebecca replied as she took off her clothes and laid down on the bed with John.

wow 4 sentences and there at it again.

how was your day?

i don't know, even though i was right next to you all day.

Chapter 3:

Well with this, you went to crazy with the OC (own characters) and went too fast. got completely away from the story line (if there even is one) and just started typing whatever came to mind.

all 5 main characters just were wiped off of the face of the planet by this chapter, and this chapter didn't seem to have a point. I honestly don't think this chapter should be with the rest of the story.

Full Story:

With a lot more effort you could turn your beginning ideas into a great story, im just pointing out the mistakes.

not a bad first story. but could be a lot better.

"you're remembered for the rules you break, not the rules you followed."

Gooiershoe20354 21:25, March 6, 2012 (UTC)GooierShoe20354